My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
