Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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