I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
