**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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