just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
