i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
