allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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