Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
