I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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