I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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