my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
