Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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