I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
