Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
