I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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