the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
