his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
