so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
