Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
