In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.