based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.