thus making me awesome and them whores
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
