good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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