i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
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You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
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I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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