Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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