What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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