Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
