Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
