evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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