It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
