I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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