the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
