I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
