Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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