why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
