the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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