My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
