gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
