When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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