My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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