so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
