I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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