my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
