i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
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You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
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At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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