nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
