One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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