I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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