I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you traded sex for a burrito?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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