Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
