She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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