woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
