my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?