I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
