I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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