Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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