Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
